It’s been two years since we last spoke, too long since we last saw but the memories are still firmly engraved in my heart and mind. It’s funny how my heart could still beat faster at the thought of you.
Sometimes, I still want to hate you, more often, I want to hate me but none works.
And As much as it kills me to admit it, I miss you. But, No! I don’t love you anymore. No! I don’t regret the times we had. No! I don’t want you back and yes! I’m stronger, eventually, the hurt healed and the pain faded.
I hope you are happy. I hope you are really happy… God be with you.
Hi there, as you must have deduced from the letter above, my name is Sandra and once upon a time, I fell deeply in love with the most amazing person ever (or so I thought) but three years into the relationship, things went sour and we hit the rocks.
And as I was sitting on my couch today, I let my mind wander and it somehow rested on my past relationship, hence the above letter (which I’m never going to send or may I would, whatever though) and so I have decided to tell my story, and I’m hoping that somehow, my story helps someone.
Alright then, Sit back, grab your popcorn and relax, It’s Story time.
I would never forget the first time I saw Toju. I had just finished from a 3hour practical class and was having lunch at my faculty canteen when an average looking guy walked in with the neatest pink long sleeved shirt and black pant trousers I had ever seen. As our eyes met, I felt something run down my spine and I couldn’t help giving a big smile. I ate and left the canteen to continue with my life without an exchange of words with the neatly dressed, average looking guy.
Life continued as normal. I forgot the canteen incident (well, not really).
A couple of weeks later, I was chilling in my friends’ room when Mr neatly-dressed-average-looking-guy came in to borrow gas. He was cooking and his gas finished, so here he was (in a black-blue knickers and black polo) begging my friend, his neighbour to lend him her gas and I was looking at him, smiling all the way.
He got the gas, left to his room, cooked his food, returned the gas, asked me my name, told me his name and department and level and other things… …Basically, we got talking and boy! The conversation was unending. We got along so well and had lots in common.
This and that… that and this…
We became an item. We just clicked. We could talk for hours and not get bored. I enjoyed his company so much so that my friends began to complain that I never hung out with them anymore. He was (he is) smart, deep, versatile, creative, crazy,.. basically AmAzing!
We dated and it was fun but more, I learnt a lot from him (I still say he played a huge part in bringing out the amazing, strong and potential filled person within me). We read books, hunted for Christian movies and inspirational videos together. We played and prayed together, we grew together. We were perfect.
Then he graduated and went for service. Whenever he came to see me during his service year I noticed something different in the way we related to each other. He was distant. He flinched whenever I came too close. It was just weird but I kept trying. He reduced the way he called me, we found it hard to talk (it was like there was nothing to talk about anymore).
And then one day, he said he was ‘into’ someone else.
My heart crumbled.
…”TJ, you are just attracted to her right? Or you are in love with her?” I asked
…and Toju said he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. He still loved me but not in the relationship kind of way anymore and though he wasn’t in love with this girl yet, He was really getting to like her and then he said I was never really good enough for him.
His words cut deep and broke me but I still tried. Oh! I tried but eventually I had to let go.
No matter how hard it was, or how bad I felt, I had to allow him be and go find my happiness somewhere else.
So many nights I lay awake crying but it didn’t bring him back. I dated others but the pain never left (or the love) and so the relationships never worked.
But, after awhile, I decided I couldn’t allow him control my life anymore. He was gone, I had to move on.
I decided to make my happiness my responsibility. I chose to be happy. I forgave him.
Was it easy? No!
But did it happen? Yes!
Time really heals all wounds. Overtime, I became better. I began to see me as deserving of anyone, as beautiful, strong and smart. With time, the pain faded and I could genuinely smile again.
God was a big factor in my healing though. He filled the void in my heart like no one can ever do. He loved me through it all. He gave me confidence, showed me I deserved the best and can get it, taught me to be happy being me, showed me that I am complete, perfect, whole and beautiful as I am and didn’t need anyone to complete me. He taught me that my failed relationship wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough. Basically, God redefined me, showed me my identity in Him.
Slowly, I was able to trust and love and commit again.
I’m sharing this story, so I could tell someone that no matter how much you have been hurt, no matter how bad and deep the pain felt, no matter who betrayed or left you, There is light at the end of the tunnel.
It isn’t easy but it’s possible, the hurt would heal and the pain would fade.
Don’t lose hope. Don’t allow situations or people decide your happiness.
Your experiences make you stronger, the lessons make you better.
You’d be fine… if you aren’t fine and victorious, it isn’t the end.
And this doesn’t apply to relationships alone. No matter what your challenge is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. With time, all storm fades.
Keep calm and Trust God.
DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY IS ALL FICTION